Today is “Talk Like a Pirate Day.”
I don’t intend to do so.
We think of pirates as being cute, funny, free spirits, jolly, rather like the featured photo.
But pirates are desperate people who take things and endanger others.
And their grammar is bad.
This, really, is my biggest beef with the holiday. It would be inauthentic for me to talk like a pirate. It would be like when Spock tries to swear in “Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home.”
Friends have cajoled me, and my children are disappointed. They take this day very seriously — her first year of college, my daughter had me mail her pirate flag to her as the “holiday” approached. My sons have dressed the part and borrowed bandanas to wear. For their friends and even their friends’ schools, the day has meaning. One school near our nation’s capital has a rule that on this day all True/False questions, instead of “T/F,” must be answered “I/R.” You know — “Aye!” for true, and “Arrrr” for false. Adults made that rule. Society has taken this day to its bosom, and scorns those who abstain. I understand that I will not get a free Krispy Kreme donut today if I don’t play.
My endocrinologist and I can live with that.
We don’t have to celebrate everything.
I mean, I don’t play golf, either. If they had a holiday where people wore ugly pastel plaid clothing and walked around in cleats yelling “Fore!” and drank a mixture of lemonade and iced tea, I would not do it. I would not knock your Arnold Palmer out of your hand, I just would keep sipping my Constant Comment. It would not be my holiday.
But, keep the holidays you keep, without me. If you would like to talk like a pirate, have at it. If you want to play golf, wear sunscreen and reserve a tee time. But, I do not think that I will talk like a pirate today. Just, not in the mood. I think that instead I will privately celebrate “Talk like a writer delighted to have a little down time” day.
The words are bigger.
The grammar is better.
And we smell nicer than pirates.
(And we could still wear those big hoop earrings.)